I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
