The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
