We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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