i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
