My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
