when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
