WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
