College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
