i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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