Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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