Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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