My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
