Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
