For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
