apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
