My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
