i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
