Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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