i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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