Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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