I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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