I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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