Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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