her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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