I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
