Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
