God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
