Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
