Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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