I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
