evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
