dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
