After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
