im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
