apparently the secret to your success is patron
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
