just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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