i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
