So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
