dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
