WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
