I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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