I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
