she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
