he shaved USA in his pubs
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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