I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
