dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
