You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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