Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
are you so shy because you have an std?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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