I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
