Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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