Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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