We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
