Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
