I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
