Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
