why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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