you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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