gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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