shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
