She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
my poor anus
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
