I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
