are you still at the devil's house?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
