You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
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We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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